There can be a disconnect between the calm emotional state we’re often in when we’re learning new strategies, and the heightened stress that overtakes us when we’re parenting through hard moments. Learning isn’t the same as embodiment. Information matters, but practice helps strengthen the pathways we need to access under stress.

I’ve been noticing lately how productive it can feel to consume parenting content. I feel more at peace about the problem already, as if I’ve taken steps to solve it. While I don’t want to diminish what a great first step it is to learn, I also don’t want to stop there and feel too satisfied with just acquiring new information that stays stuck in my head. True change comes with action, and I want to focus more on how I can embody change in my parenting.

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We’re more likely to access what we’ve practiced. Athletes go beyond simply studying technique and musicians don’t just read sheet music. They practice and rehearse, and parents can benefit from doing this too.

In all honesty, this is something I’m striving to incorporate more too. Here are some of the strategies I’m experimenting with to give my brain and body more of a template for parenting differently:

Run the Movie

Visualization is a tool used by performers and athletes, and parents can use it too! Mental rehearsal can give the brain and body a trial run, which may make the response easier to access later.

Whether you’re struggling with getting out the door with your kids, staying regulated during a tantrum, or managing a chaotic bedtime routine, visualizing the experience from start to finish can be a way to practice before you go into it.

When you visualize, don’t imagine a perfect outcome, but rather, imagine yourself coping well in a real struggle. Walk through an example, feel your body start activating, then breathe, name what’s happening, use regulation, and follow the plan you’ve chosen.

Many times, the hardest part of the moment is actually the narrative that starts running inside of us when we’re having a hard time with our kids. So with visualizing, notice the thoughts that show up:

• “Everyone is judging me.”

• “They’re going to be so mad at me.”

• “I have no control.”

• “We are never going to get out of here.”

Practice responding to those thoughts, giving yourself the encouragement and care that you need. It’s not only important to invest in what we’ll say to our child, but also what we’ll say to ourselves.

Again, it’s not about visualizing your kids having ideal behavior (you probably want to visualize the opposite to get the most helpful practice!). You’re focusing more on how you’re going to cope, and trying to wire that part in.

Practice the Words Out Loud

Let’s now move from mental rehearsal to behavioral rehearsal. Have you ever tried practicing something hard in front of a mirror? We may think about doing this when we’re preparing for public speaking or an interview. We can use this technique as parents trying to work on ourselves too.

The great thing about mirror practice is that you notice facial expressions, posture, and how you come across. I know a big growth area for me is working on what my face is showing when I’m frustrated with my kids or just feeling worn down. This can feel a little like acting, but to be clear, we’re not trying to be fake. It’s acting in the sense of rehearsing. We’re helping a new response feel less foreign in our body before we need it under stress.

Using a voice memo or a video can be another way to achieve this same idea. You can listen back to your tone, see if the script feels natural, and adjust the wording until it sounds like you. I find solo car rides a great place to practice working on my tone and wording. Of course, if there is another adult around, you can also briefly role-play together before a family meeting or a predictable hard situation.

If sibling conflict is the moment that sends you over the edge, you might practice walking in and saying, “Okay, temperature is rising. Time to take a break.” A script that sounds perfect on Instagram may sound awkward in your own voice. We need to practice and experiment with language that feels natural to each of us personally. Again, this is about solidifying pathways that will be tried and tested before the actual moment comes.

Let’s focus on tone for a moment. Many parents struggle with tone more than wording, whether that be an unsure tone or a harsh one. The goal is to be warm, clear, steady, and confident (vs. mean, threatening, apologetic, or wobbly). “Grounded” can be a helpful word to aim for.

Practice Closer to the Conditions You’ll Actually Need It

It’s valuable to be in a calm state when we’re taking in new information. Our brain is able to absorb learning when we’re regulated and focused. However, actually retrieving new learning becomes easier when we practice with a little activation. If we can get a bit closer to the emotional state where we usually struggle, we can help our nervous systems learn through experience and not just insight.

It’s important to note that this doesn’t mean intentionally flooding ourselves or trying to practice when we are already overwhelmed. As you try out the strategies above, visualization and behavioral rehearsal, try first imagining a moment that is a 1/10 or 2/10 level of annoyance or stress. See if you can feel it a bit emotionally and physically before proceeding with your practice.

Practice with your kids

Kids can benefit from practice too! This is a proactive way to help them build capacity and become more likely, in the moment, to respond differently.

With a toddler, when they ask for something in an overly demanding voice, you can model a different way of making the request and ask them to try it out with you.

If you’re struggling with meltdowns over screen time ending, you can practice with your kids in advance. You might walk through it with them ahead of time: “We’re starting a show, how fun! I wonder what it’s going to be like when it’s time to turn it off? I’m probably going to say, ‘TV time is over!’ What will that feel like for you? What will you want to say or do? What could you do instead?”

Practicing together reduces surprise, builds familiarity, adds humor, and teaches kids that hard things can be practiced.

Closing

Most parenting content focuses on what to say, but knowing what to say is only half the battle. If we want new responses to emerge under pressure, we have to give them somewhere to live before the moment arrives.

The next time you hear a parenting idea you want to absorb, don’t just save it. Try rehearsing it, say it out loud, visualize the moment you’ll need it, and practice it with your kids. Give your nervous system a chance to learn it too. Instead of just saving the script, we can spend thirty seconds making it our own.

This takes work and I want to acknowledge that. We don’t always have the time, space, or energy to rehearse our parenting responses in some elaborate way. I’m not doing this all the time either! However, even the smallest reps can help a new response become more available.

This is the second piece in a loose series I’m calling When the Scripts Aren’t Enough, about the blocks that come up between parenting insight and parenting reality, and what we can do to step into the ways we want to parent differently.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

Maybe you’re the same way. Parenting is the most important job we’ll ever have, and at least for me, I often feel like for the amount of work I’m putting into learning new strategies, I should be a lot better at this!

I’ll read a great parenting script, and then soon enough, the exact kind of moment I thought I was preparing for arrives. I’m trying to wrangle my kids and leave the playground. I’m chasing them around, reminding them it’s time to go, feeling my frustration rise. Wasn’t I supposed to welcome and validate their feelings while also holding a firm boundary that we have to leave? But it’s only me, a bundle of dysregulation, and underneath that, shame.

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It can feel confusing and discouraging to know what you believe, to care so much about parenting differently, and then to watch yourself fall back into the same old reactions. Maybe it’s bribing, yelling, lecturing, shutting down, or just feeling frantic. And then, when things finally calm down and you get a moment, you think: What is wrong with me? I KNOW better. Why can’t I DO better?

Parenting differently is not about summoning more willpower. There isn’t anything wrong with you and one moment isn’t proof that you don’t care enough or aren’t trying hard enough. When we’re flooded, our body is going to do what it knows how to do.

For many of us, what is most practiced is not the thoughtful script we saved on our phone the other day. Instead, it’s the old ways we learned to manage stress, conflict, shame, helplessness, or disconnection. It may be what was modeled for us, what we learned to do to keep ourselves safe and connected, or what got wired in long before we had children of our own.

So what can we do? The first step is being able to get to a calm enough place to access our learning. We cannot practice what we cannot access. If we are able to regulate ourselves in hard moments, even just a little bit, that is a huge parenting win in and of itself. Calm is contagious, and our kids will borrow from it to regulate themselves. That is co-regulation.

If there is any script to memorize and practice first, it might be an “exit script”: something that lets your child know, in a loving and steady way, that you need a moment.

You might say:

“This is a lot for both of us. I need a minute to calm my body so I can help. I love you. I’ll be right back.”

For younger kids:

“Mommy needs one minute to calm her body. I love you. I’ll be right back.”

For older kids or teens:

“I’m getting too activated to handle this well. I’m going to take a few minutes and then we’ll come back to it.”

After that, it’s about what you do with the opportunity you created. The goal is not to try your best to be a cool, calm, collected Zen parent. Instead, we’re trying to bring the body activation down enough to access the part of the brain that can reflect, choose, connect, and repair.

This might look like breathing, tapping, walking, stepping into another room, pressing your feet into the floor, putting in headphones, shaking out your hands, using pressure, grounding yourself, or moving your body. The options are endless, but the most important thing is that you choose a few go-to strategies ahead of time, in a calm moment when you can actually think through what might help.

Some questions you can ask yourself:

• What are my signs that I’m getting flooded?

• What do I usually do next?

• What could I say to create a pause?

• What helps my body come down, even five percent?

Many parents aren’t struggling because they don’t know what to do. They’re struggling because, in the moment, their nervous system is pulling from old, practiced patterns faster than their conscious parenting values can come online.

The scripts do matter, but first, we need enough access to ourselves to use them.

Maybe the goal this week is not to never yell, never bribe, or never lose your cool. Instead, consider a goal of simply noticing the moment five seconds earlier.

This is the first piece in a loose series I’m calling When the Scripts Aren’t Enough, about the blocks that come up between parenting insight and parenting reality, and what we can do to step into the ways we want to parent differently.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

As a therapist who works with millennial parents and a millennial parent myself, I get a front-row seat to modern day parenting culture. I often feel like my days are a rotation of sitting in my therapist chair helping parents, working to manage my impulse responses as I parent my own kids, and consuming parenting content in my downtime. It’s the air I breathe these days, and it’s constantly bringing up a mixed bag of internal reactions for me:

• Guilt, because I’m never quite living up to the standard I have for myself when it comes to parenting.

• Awe, at myself and others, that we are emotionally attuning in ways that are often very different from our parents’ generation.

• Pride, that these Gen Alpha kids (give or take a few years) are growing up with greater degrees of feeling seen, soothed, safe, and secure, with all of the wonderful trickle-down effects.

Millennials are an intense generation. We were told, “Work hard and your hard work will pay off.” We deeply internalized that message and have brought it into parenting. And in our intensive parenting, we often push ourselves to the brink.

Parenting today is immersive, intentional, and constant. Dads are more involved than ever. Moms are doing more than ever. Parenting today is active, thoughtful, and consuming. According to Pew Research Center, approximately 66% of mothers and 58% of fathers say parenting is harder than they expected, and many describe it as consistently tiring and stressful.

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“Breaking cycles” is a concept that is often referenced in modern parenting, meaning that we are actively trying to parent differently than we ourselves were parented. Is this a new concept? I don’t believe so. I imagine that every generation of parents has tried to take what they appreciated from their own upbringing and change what did not work.

However, the resources and information available to parents today are unlike any other time. Millennial parents are emotionally attuned, intentional, reflective, and willing to repair. In my therapy sessions, this often looks like questioning inherited patterns, noticing triggers and automatic reactions, and doing deeper work such as EMDR to shift responses. It is exciting and rewarding to witness the visible results.

Millennial parents are the first generation to parent with this level of emotional awareness, and it is both powerful and exhausting. The tradeoff is that because our kids have more range to express themselves, our nervous systems are being asked to hold more. Our kids are expressing more emotions, opinions, and intensity. We are trying our best to give them wide emotional latitude and to listen respectfully, but we are stretched thin.

Two things can be true at once:

1. We are proud of how we are parenting, and

2. We are deeply overwhelmed.

Broader systems are not keeping up. Maternity leave is insufficient, and childcare is both limited and expensive. Yet we keep showing up anyway, often at the cost of our own well-being. I will never forget when the U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents came out in 2024. It was a moment, for me and my friends, and of feeling seen in our overwhelm.

There can be sadness in this work of breaking cycles. Many of us did not receive the emotional attunement and repair that we are trying so hard to give to our kids. As we parent our children, we are also reparenting ourselves, building skills we were never taught. We are going to therapy, and we are learning how to regulate our emotions as adults.

I am so encouraged every time I see glimpses of this cultural shift. I remember overhearing two dads at swim lessons talking in depth about their potty training experiences. At our elementary school, parents race to sign up for field trips because the slots fill up so quickly, and parent-child ratios can sometimes be 1 to 2 on school outings. Parents are showing up and getting involved.

Last New Year’s Eve, we took our kids to a family-friendly daytime party with a balloon drop countdown at noon. Characters like Bluey and Elsa made appearances, food and drinks were available, and the DJ mixed Disney and Pixar songs with throwbacks from the 2000s. I took a step back from it all in awe. These kinds of events didn’t exist when we were kids, and now there is both a market and a desire for shared family joy.

As millennials, we certainly are not perfect. We are definitely overcorrecting in many ways, and we are still figuring a lot out. However, you cannot argue that we are not trying.

In myself, in my friends, and in my clients, I often hear the same fear: that one mistake will lead to lasting harm, or that we are not doing enough. That’s where the guilt and shame can come in. It is our millennial way to work hard and to learn voraciously, so of course we are going to feel like we are constantly missing the mark.

The reassurance I would offer to all of us is this: connection is what matters most. Research on parent-child attachment suggests that children do not need perfectly attuned caregivers to develop secure attachment. As parents, we cannot prevent hard things, but we can prevent our kids from being alone in them. What we can offer is our presence, being with them in those moments, helping them make sense of their experiences, and offering repair when there is rupture.

Repair is foundational, reconnecting after disconnection and owning our mistakes. Many of us didn’t experience repair growing up. Again, we are learning this as a new skill now and working to model it for our kids.

In closing, to all of my fellow millennial parents: you are doing something that matters. You are showing up and you are changing generational patterns. You may not be perfect, but what is even better is that you are present.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

Emotional experiences have an arc. When we’re triggered, there is typically a rising, a cresting at a peak, and then a coming back down. This can happen in waves and there can be many ups and downs, but for the purposes of this framework, the arc is a useful way of thinking about it.

I used to teach the above model, which is based in the Mandt Crisis Cycle, in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skills groups for teens. We would consider an emotional moment, such as learning that you didn’t get the part in the school play, and think through the different phases of the emotional experience that followed. From there, we would plug in the DBT coping skills we were learning to plan out how we could support ourselves at every step of the experience.

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Let’s talk briefly about each phase.

• Baseline is the starting point. While there are likely different vulnerability factors at play (see #6 in my writing on parental triggers here), we are generally in a calm state here, feeling connected to others, and in a place where we’re able to teach, process, and reflect. This is where insight and reflection are possible.
  

• Then comes a trigger. Maybe a child is told they can’t have a second dessert or an adult receives a stressful email from their boss. Here we see early signs of stress and the arc of emotion begins. What helps in this stage is distraction, refocusing attention away from stress, and leaving or reducing exposure to the trigger. If you can’t distract or get away, sometimes pulling from DBT’s IMPROVE the moment skill can be helpful. For example, you can try focusing on one thing at a time (the ‘O’ in IMPROVE), or encouraging yourself (the ‘E’). Loved ones can help by aiding in distraction or improving the moment.
  

• Let’s say that things continue to build and you find yourself in escalation, maybe a 5-7 out of 10 level of activation. Your emotions are rising, though you’re not fully flooded yet, and your awareness is still partially online. If there’s a secure, safe person around, they can help through co-regulation, modeling calm, and not overwhelming with choices. Individual coping skills at this point can include self-soothing with the five senses.
  

• At the top of the arc, there is the peak, when the individual is at a 10 out of 10 and fully flooded. At this stage, cognitive access is offline, the prefrontal cortex is not available, and reasoning is not effective. This is not a time for talking or problem-solving. What can others do? Focus on safety, containment, presence, and continued co-regulation. Especially with children, hold the space. DBT’s TIPP skill (by the way, DBT loves acronyms!) can be helpful to pull from for individual coping. It’s important to note that this skill is not about fixing things; it’s about bringing the activation down, even just a little bit, so you can figure out your next step for coping. TIPP stands for:

  • Temperature (splashing your face with cold water, holding ice, dunking your face in a bowl of cold water — this simulates our “dive reflex” which calms our nervous system).

  • Intense Exercise (doing something active to release energy)

  • Paced Breathing (not about taking deep breaths, but more about regulating breathing to a steady, controlled pace)

  • Progressive Muscle Relaxation (tensing and releasing muscles intentionally)

• De-escalation is the first phase of coming down from the peak. During this time, emotions are still high, but cooling. The nervous system is calming. From others, what helps is encouragement to keep settling (not instructions or problem solving), sensory grounding, and comfort cues (i.e. offer a cozy blanket, tea, a step outside). Co-regulation continues. Too much redirection here can actually pull the person back into escalation.
  

• As we continue to come down from the emotion, we may begin to seem like we’re back at baseline, but internally, we’re depleted. This is the post-crisis drain. What helps here is gentle presence and sometimes light activities (such as going for a walk or watching a TV show together). If you’re the support person, be careful of jumping too quickly into deep processing or debriefing.

To bring it all together, coping skills are not universal fixes. Rather, the effectiveness depends on the emotional intensity. Self-awareness is key, understanding “where am I in the arc?” and “what does my nervous system need right now?” In other words, this is about having really strong personal awareness about where you’re at in the cycle and then knowing what can help you, individually and from others.

Beyond individual coping, you can see that I layered in how we can generally support others at these different stages. You can use this as a parent supporting your child in their big feelings or as a partner, friend, or therapist. It can be helpful to even pull out this model in a calm moment and talk about it with the person you’re supporting. This builds agency, connection, and empowerment. Some example questions include:

• What helps you at different stages?

• What do you need from me when you’re at a 10/10?

• When should I talk vs. sit with you?

Many coping struggles are actually timing problems, not skill problems. It’s wonderful to take deep breaths… if you’re in a place where that will be helpful. The more we understand this, the more we can shift out of self-judgment (“why isn’t this working?”) and into curiosity (“what phase am I in right now?”). Awareness, timely skills, and supportive relationships are a strong equation for effective coping. When those three are aligned, we’re able to meet ourselves (or someone else) where they are, instead of trying to force a response that doesn’t fit.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

Many of the reactions that come up for us in parenting can feel confusing or disproportionate at first, but when we slow down and consider what’s happening, our triggers always make sense. Naming and owning our triggers automatically lessens their impact on us. We’re able to move from feeling out of control to a greater place of ownership and awareness. And when we’re not in a state of shame and confusion, we can better take care of ourselves and grow in how we manage what comes up.

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Here are some of the most common parenting triggers I see:

1. When Your Child Does Something That Wouldn’t Have Been Allowed in Your Childhood
   It can be so triggering to watch your kid express an emotion that was not okay for you to express in your childhood. Anger is a common example here. Whether you experienced punishment, emotional shutdown, or an absence of response growing up, your triggered reaction now may partly be about past rules being violated. If you find yourself thinking, “Wow, that would not have flown in my house growing up,” that is a clear indicator. However, sometimes this can happen more subtly within us and it takes reflection during a more regulated time to catch the link.
   

2. When Your Child Reaches an Age, Stage, or Experience That Is Meaningful for You
   As we watch our kids move through different developmental stages, our emotional memory can reopen. This can be true if we experienced trauma at a particular age and then we find ourselves feeling on edge when our child reaches that same age. However, sometimes the same thing can happen if it’s more that we experienced a hard year in first grade socially and emotionally, and now whenever our own early elementary kid goes through a socially tough situation, we start parenting a little more intensely due to our own younger experiences.
   
   Along similar lines, peer wounds can be deeply formative. Even small social struggles that we watch our kids go through can feel catastrophic because they activate younger parts of us. We not only feel for our child, but we feel for ourselves.
   
   Puberty and adolescence can really bring these feelings front and center as we watch our kids navigate tricky areas like body image, identity, and relationships. Maybe these are areas that we are still struggling with in the present and/or we are conscious of the wounds we still carry from our own adolescence.
   The same can be true when our kids go through life events that echo what we’ve experienced before. Whether it be moves, losses, or another kind of transition, pain can resurface for us unexpectedly. This can be especially triggering when you work hard to make things easier for your kid in these experiences and then your kid still struggles. For example, maybe your family moved a lot growing up so you’re overly conscious of trying to keep things more stable for your kids, but then your family makes one smaller local move and your child still goes through a rough transition with it. While you do your best to show empathy and support, it’s understandable if a part of you is triggered, feeling like your child doesn’t know how “good” they have it or how hard you worked to given them a different experience.
   

3. When You’re Trying to Do Things Differently Than Your Parents and Your Child Still Reacts
   This reaction of “why don’t they see how good they have it?” can be a common feeling for today’s parents who are working so hard and intensively to give their kids a secure, emotionally attuned childhood. Even if we know that children developmentally are not going to give us expressions of gratitude for our hard work in parenting, nor are they immediately going to reward us with “good behavior” as we break cycles in how we parent them, it can still feel triggering when our careful, attuned parenting interventions are met with tantrums, rudeness, defiance, etc. In fact, oftentimes our children’s big emotions towards us are a sign of a healthy attachment between us, that they have the space and freedom to express themselves. However, it’s hard in the moment to feel like our hard work is paying off and that can understandably feel activating.
   

4. Developmental Stages
   Growth and development is rarely linear. Rather, it tends to progress in fits and spurts, sometimes feeling like one step forward and two steps back. I always find it interesting that potty training methods out there advertise success in just a few days. What child is ever done with potty training in a few days? There are many phases to it, in my experience (i.e. comfort with pooping on the potty, being able to stay dry at night, ownership in all steps of going to the bathroom, regressions, etc.). In the early years, I find it to be unhelpful that we see developmental tasks like sleeping through the night and potty training as steps that can be achieved as a moment in time. Yes, there are huge milestones along the way that take hard work and deserve celebration, but again, most developmental work takes time and involves regressions. As I step off my soapbox here, my point is that we can feel all kinds of things—frustration, shame, discouragement—when we go through the up’s and down’s of development with our kids.
   
   In older years, this continues. For example, the elementary years can be a confusing developmental phase. Our kids seem capable of much more than when they were younger. On one day, they are packing their lunch from start to finish. The next week, they are forgetting to bring their water bottle to school every day. The inconsistency in executive functioning can be confusing and activating for parents, though it is actually typical development for elementary school kids to be growing and learning ownership of tasks along the way. This can be particularly activating for parents who were raised with rigidity or high behavioral expectations growing up.
   
   As kids get older and particularly when they start to go through puberty, they become more emotionally intense and articulate. It’s so painful to have to field insults from our child who we deeply care for. Even if we know their brain is still under construction and that there is other meaning underneath the hurtful words, it’s still upsetting and often triggering when their verbal attacks become more sophisticated and personal.
   

5. Perfectionism and Comparison
   I’ve written about perfectionism and the postpartum stage, but perfectionism is an old survival strategy that can impact any stage of parenting. When kids struggle, parents can be vulnerable to interpreting it as a personal failure on their part. Self-blame becomes stronger than curiosity and we can find ourselves blocked by our own “stuff” which makes it difficult to meet our child where they are.
   
   We also can’t leave out the impact of social media and comparison when it comes to parental triggers. You can be going about your day, feeling just fine about where you and your kids are at right now, when an Instagram post or a passing comment from another parent suddenly makes you feel “behind” or inadequate in what you’re doing. I was reading a post the other day encouraging parents to not get so caught up in playing with their kids because play is the kids’ job and we don’t want to interfere with their developmental work too much; there are other ways to connect. In the same breath, I’m consuming content around how play is the language of kids and that is the best way to connect with them. There is probably some truth in both sides, but it was a reminder to me that we can’t overly focus on consuming all of the advice we can find from social media and others in our lives. We need a balance of listening to experts and friends we trust, while also staying connected to our own instincts and values. The amount of information at our fingertips can trigger anxiety and shame in how we’re doing as parents.
   

6. When You Are Depleted
   Sometimes the trigger isn’t historical; instead, it’s more about our own physiological and emotional depletion. I think about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy’s vulnerability factors here. When we are sick, dealing with injury or chronic pain, eating poorly, lacking physical activity, not sleeping well, or facing environmental stressors (relational stress, job stress, past trauma, financial difficulties, etc.), we are going to be more vulnerable to getting triggered. Another helpful acronym to use for ongoing self-assessment is HALT — am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?
   
   Obviously it’s ideal to do our best to mitigate vulnerability factors, but that’s not real life. The bigger takeaway is that the more we’re able to be aware when we’re at the brink of “losing it,” the better we can take care of ourselves in the moment and give ourselves grace after the fact when we respond more poorly than we would on a different day.
   
   We are humans and not robots. We often expect perfect emotional regulation from ourselves when we’re running on empty, but when our own needs aren’t met, our nervous system has less capacity.

In summary, my hope in outlining these common triggers is to help parents feel seen in what they’re experiencing and to raise awareness that our triggers are information, not failure. It is impossible to be a parent and not get triggered! Parenting offers us many open doors to continue our growth, to examine opportunities for past healing and current vulnerabilities. Ultimately, what I hope you take from this is a sense of greater self-compassion, that you are not alone or stuck in your struggles with triggers.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

I’m Jacqueline Anderson, a licensed professional counselor specializing in parenting, reparenting, and perinatal mental health. I love working with parents who want to make sense of their stories in order to bring about greater healing and change for themselves personally and for their family life. The primary evidence-based approaches I use are EMDR and DBT.

My writing reflects the same perspective I bring into therapy: curious, compassionate, and grounded in the belief that our struggles make more sense when we understand the stories and environments that formed us. Growing up doesn’t stop in adulthood. We are continually growing, learning, and changing, and few experiences reshape us as deeply as parenthood.

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Here, I write about the inner and outer work of that process:

• the ways parenting can activate old patterns and triggers from our own experiences of being parented

• the emotional and developmental transition into parenthood (sometimes called matrescence)

• the role of community during seasons that aren’t meant to be navigated alone

• and the emotional and practical realities of everyday parenting.

If you’re new, you can start here:

• An Introduction

• Shark Music: Making Sense of Our Own Stories

• Becoming a Shame Detective

• Parenthood as a Developmental Journey

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

Warmly,
Jacqueline

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Why the Postpartum Period Is Fertile Ground for Perfectionism

Of course, this mother isn’t failing. She’s experiencing something relatable to many high-achieving parents when they encounter the unpredictability of early parenthood. It’s no wonder that new mothers with perfectionist traits going into postpartum tend to struggle. Research suggests that people with higher levels of perfectionism, especially those prone to self-criticism and fear of mistakes, are more vulnerable to postpartum anxiety and depression (Smith et al., 2022).

The postpartum period is a time when everything can feel high stakes. There are many metrics being tracked, such as:

• Baby’s weight

• Feeding

• Diaper output

• Hours of sleep

I remember going through phases in which I would collect all of the above data in an app, consult it regularly, show it to others, review the graphs and trends, and more. These metrics are often closely monitored, discussed with providers, and compared against expectations.

For people who were straight-A students, achievers, or high performers, the postpartum period can begin to feel like another arena for success. Many parents are also stepping away from demanding careers for the first time, and caring for a baby becomes a place where that familiar achievement energy gets redirected.

Additional Layers That Intensify the Pressure

Beyond a history of high achievement, several other factors can intensify the pressure in early parenting. I believe that first-time parents in particular, due to the simple fact that they’ve never done it before, can be vulnerable to feeling the pressure to measure up.

Couples who have experienced fertility challenges or loss are often entering the postpartum time period with a sense of how deeply they longed for this child and how much they want to give him or her everything. This can lead to a belief that giving the baby everything means doing it all “right” and meeting the highest possible standard of parenting.

The Variables That Kids Bring

Perfectionists tend to regulate anxiety through control, but the reality is that even when things are going relatively smoothly, babies (and kids of any age!) are humans with variability. There isn’t a roadmap you can follow that will lead to smooth sailing in the present and a security in the future; outcomes are just not fully controllable. I remember how desperately I wanted a formula that would guarantee things would go smoothly, and how unsettling it felt to learn that there isn’t one.

Comparison can also really come into play here. Whether it be from friends, acquaintances, or social media, we can get caught up in the trap that others are doing more and succeeding better than we are.

While I believe this can happen in any phase of parenting, there are unique aspects to raising your first baby that can make comparison especially tricky. As children grow, developmental milestones such as rolling, crawling, walking, and talking are often discussed in “small talk” conversations among parents, which can lead to spirals of late night rumination, consulting experts online or ChatGPT, and working hard at home to help the child “catch up.” The Bluey episode “Baby Race” captures this dynamic well and shows how relatable this experience is. Most of the time, children meet the milestones in their own timing when they’re ready. Some need additional support to get there and that’s okay too, but especially when it’s your first child, it can be harder to have that perspective and you can be vulnerable to feelings of shame that you’re missing the mark as a parent.

Exploring Perfectionism

One way to understand perfectionism is that it is a strong internal belief that my worth as a person is tied to how well I achieve certain standards. These standards often come from multiple places:

• Cultural expectations

• Messages from the media

• What friends and communities value

• Social comparison

• Internalized, self-imposed standards

Perfectionism can begin as a protective and adaptive strategy in childhood; it may have served an important role in getting through our growing up experiences. For example, perhaps achievement brought praise or positive attention from caregivers. It may have been one of the main ways to feel close to parents, feel valued, and/or receive recognition.

Even if praise wasn’t explicit, achievement might have felt like the baseline expectation. A child can learn that working hard, meeting high standards, and being “the best they can be” is how they are able to feel okay about themselves and navigate relationships.

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Letting Go is Easier Said Than Done

If you have a strong perfectionist part of you, it can be tricky to let go of because it wasn’t only a helpful way to navigate childhood, but it likely has also been rewarded in adulthood, particularly in school, careers, and any other achievement-oriented environments. Our culture reinforces this through messages about productivity and achievement. Most of the ads we consume have to do with helping us optimize ourselves and our time. It’s in the air we breathe.

At some point, perfectionism runs into reality. We will inevitably encounter variables, things we cannot control, and situations in which perfect performance is impossible. If this doesn’t happen earlier in life, it often happens in parenting… with a newborn, a toddler, a tween, and beyond. Children introduce constant variability. If a parent ties their worth to how their child is doing, it’s a given they will feel that they have fallen short.

When perfectionism collides with an uncontrollable reality like parenting, shame often shows up. The deeper message of perfectionism is underlined with shame, that if you cannot meet the high bar, you are worthless. When we are operating out of shame, we feel that we are not good enough and ultimately that we are not worthy. I wrote more about shame in parenting here. Shame blocks us from believing true and more helpful messages such as “I tried my best” and “Some of this is out of my control.”

Embracing our Humanity

So what can we do? Healing perfectionism involves rewiring those often-deep internal patterns, which has to do with moving from self-worth being tied to output and achievements, towards the belief that while striving towards standards can be valuable, we are ultimately humans and not robots.

Parenting especially requires an ability to recognize what is outside of our control, accept mistakes, and take the long view. Parenting progress is rarely immediate. Growth happens in fits and spurts, and we don’t always see the results of what we put in.

Finally, imperfection is not only a given to accept in parenting, it is also critical that we show our humanity to our kids. Children do not need or benefit from perfect parents. As Dr. Becky says, “Perfect is creepy.” It’s not healthy to have it all together all of the time, and our children need to see that too.

When we fail, we have the opportunity to repair and to grow. And aren’t those qualities we want our kids to see and take with them as they grow older? We want our kids to have the resilience to move through failure, continue to value themselves through the process, and to move into opportunities of repair and growth. The work of parenting isn’t perfection. It’s repair, connection, and growing alongside our children.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

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Why is this the case? Why is there a gap between those going through such a high risk mental health period and the care providers who want to reach them? It is simple and complex all at once. Let’s get into some of the barriers.

Barriers to Mental Health Care for the Perinatal Population

1. Timing

The first barrier to accessing care is timing. Pregnancy can be a possible window to reach out for support, and individuals can struggle with PMHDs in pregnancy. There are more medical touch points and therefore opportunities for referrals, prevention, and education. However, being pregnant is already an extracurricular activity with decreased capacity, preparations that need to be made, and time for appointments, especially if you are experiencing a high-risk pregnancy that requires even more appointments. And what if you already have one or more children? There is much to balance in this time period, and life is about to shift with the baby’s birth, so it’s understandable that reaching out for mental health support is not always a top priority.

Then, of course, there’s postpartum, which kicks off a carousel of demands from the start. There are the feedings, sleep deprivation, birth recovery, medical appointments, potential return-to-work pressure and childcare logistics. There is the cognitive overload. When would support even happen? Seeking help also requires executive functioning during a time in which it is seriously depleted.

2. Shame

The stories we tell ourselves about our struggles are so important and can often dictate whether we’ll reach out for support or not. Particularly in a time period during which we’re not sleeping well and having to give so much physically, it can be hard to give ourselves grace and compassion. Therefore, conditions are primed for minimization and shame spirals.

Some common internal narratives:

• “Everyone struggles.”

• “This is just motherhood.”

• “Something must be wrong with me.”

Maybe we feel like there is something deficient in ourselves. Maybe we have a hard time identifying our need as a legitimate one. Regardless of the specifics, the action urges that come with the emotion of shame are withdrawal and isolation. When we are in shame, we are much less likely to seek help.

What could be the difference if, instead of the narrative, “I’m failing,” the story instead was, “I’m struggling and I deserve help”?

3. The labor it takes to get help

Let’s say a postpartum mother is able to work through any shame barriers and identify her need to get support. Even if she gets to that point, there is still more to navigate:

• Finding providers

• Availability

• Insurance vs. self-pay

• Cost concerns

• Waitlists

• Energy to schedule appointments

I’ve heard stories of individuals making a subtle “bid” for help at an OBGYN or pediatrician visit, but these appointments are short and it’s easy for these opportunities to be missed, whether reactively or proactively. And when no one notices, shame can deepen.

And what about the baby? Let’s say the struggling mother has successfully made contact with a therapist. There are more questions to figure out: Can I bring my baby to the appointments? Do I want my baby there? Who will watch them? Can I afford childcare? Am I ready to separate? What’s going to be happening with my baby at the time of the appointment—a feeding, a nap, a blowout? There are wonderful, accommodating mental health providers out there, but the reality is that therapy can require conditions that don’t always align well with postpartum life.

4. Lack of infrastructure

It’s important to bring the systemic layer into this discussion and zoom out from individual responsibility for a moment. The reality of modern parenting in Western culture is that it is highly individualistic. Compared to many other cultures and historical periods, communal caregiving is more limited and less embedded in daily life. Families are often geographically separated from extended support networks, and parental leave in the United States is inadequate and for many, nonexistent. Many families are also navigating parenthood under significant financial strain. In short, there is a severe lack of built-in support systems.

It is therefore important to recognize that many “personal struggles” are, in fact, structural problems. Without community and infrastructure that support parents, overwhelm naturally increases, early signs of distress are more likely to go unnoticed, and parents are left feeling solely responsible for carrying it all.

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Lowering Barriers

So what can be done? Rather than asking parents to try harder, the solution must be about making support easier to access and meeting parents where they are. Here are some ideas:

1. Awareness and universal screening

When we’re more aware of the possibility of PMHDs, we can be better prepared, not as caught off guard, and feel less shame when it happens to us. Therefore, education is critical during pregnancy and postpartum. Every pregnant patient should be aware of the risk factors and symptoms, and there should be screenings giving at every provider interaction. Postpartum Support International provides a wonderful free discussion tool in English, Spanish, and Portuguese. This tool not only includes symptoms and risk factors to be aware of, but it includes information on support resources. Beyond discussion between providers and patients, resources can be posted and displayed visibly in offices as well as handed out to patients. When people expect to struggle, they interpret their symptoms differently.

2. Multiple caring touch points

It is hard enough to struggle. Even more difficult, and what makes a person even more vulnerable to long-term trauma, is when they struggle alone. Imagine if pregnant and postpartum individuals received expressions of care and concern for their mental health from every provider they were seeing? OBGYNs, pediatricians, lactation consultants, and of course, from their friends and community. Simple encouragement such as, “You’re having a hard time and this is normal. I’m here for you and you will get through this,” can be so validating, serving the purpose of reducing isolation and shame.

3. Community support (not just therapy)

I am a licensed mental health therapist and of course I believe that therapy matters. However, therapy alone cannot be the only intervention. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation and as discussed above, this is largely a problem exacerbated by lack of community support. There is still support out there; we just often need to do more startup work to access it. The intervention we’re talking about here is belonging.

Beyond reaching out to existing friends and family for help, many communities offer standing mom groups (religious and nonreligious), parent-baby workout classes, community gatherings, and shared spaces (i.e. libraries, playgrounds) with predictable connection. I was fortunate enough to have friends going through the newborn stage along with me, but I still greatly benefited from joining a local mom group. I had old friends to see there and also made new friends. Most of all, it was a consistent day and time that I could count on and not have to do any additional labor to set up. I will also always remember the Postpartum Pilates class I joined at 11 weeks postpartum after my first child. It was an evening class and I would leave my baby with my husband each week. The instructor was incredibly kind and knowledgeable. I truly felt so cared for and can attribute much of my physical and emotional healing to that special embodied experience.

2. Meeting parents where they are

I am all for in person community support. However, the reality is that it is hard to get out of the house, with and without a baby. Parents are awake at night on their phones so support must exist there too. Therefore, I believe a major channel of support needs to continue to be about meeting parents where they are at online. Online support can still reduce isolation, provide psychoeducation, normalize experiences, and, when done well, can serve as a bridge to in person, embodied care.

Rethinking how providers reach this population

As a therapist currently working through training to get my perinatal mental health certification (PMH-C), these issues are always on my mind. I look forward to using my training to provide deeper support and resources through individual therapy. Again though, while individual therapy is valuable, it is insufficient alone. Outreach needs to expand beyond the walls of therapy offices. Possible models could include workshops, groups, community partnerships, psychoeducation spaces, and digital support resources. For anyone in or adjacent to this space, I’d love to know, what are your thoughts on how we can go to parents instead of waiting for parents to come to us?

A Different Narrative

In summary, perinatal distress is not rare, a sign of failure, or about a lack of resilience. In fact, it is understandable and treatable… and can often be predictable. It is without a doubt made harder by isolation. The goal to support perinatal individuals can not simply be more therapy. Rather, the answer must involve lowering barriers, increasing connection, and bolstering systems that expect parents to need support.

Contact the PSI HelpLine for information, resources, and support. Call/Llama: 1-800-944-4773 (English & Español) & Text/Texto "Help" to 800-944-4773 (English) or 971-203-7773 (Español)

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

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We also see this reflected informally. Newer parents of young kids often welcome the grounded wisdom of older parents who have “been there” in earlier stages and can offer advice with more distance and perspective. That perspective does not come only from time passing, but from growth.

Along these lines, I recently became aware of Ellen Galinsky’s six stages of parent development, which she published in book form in 1987 based on interviews with hundreds of parents. I will share the caveat that this is a conceptual framework rather than a rigorously tested, evidence based developmental theory. Still, it offers a useful lens for thinking about how parents change over time. Each stage is connected to the age and developmental tasks of the child, but the focus is on the internal work of the parent.

Here are Galinsky’s six stages of parent development, with brief descriptions of the central tasks for parents in each stage.

1. Image-Making Stage (Pregnancy)
This stage is defined by anticipation and imagination. Parents form images of the child they expect, the parent they hope to be, and the family life they are preparing for. These images are shaped by personal history, cultural narratives, and experiences of being parented themselves.

2. Nurturing Stage (Infancy)
The primary task here is caretaking and attachment. Parents adapt to the reality of having a dependent infant and often experience a profound reorganization of identity, time, and priorities. This stage can bring deep connection alongside exhaustion and loss of autonomy.

3. Authority Stage (Toddler and Preschool Years)
As children assert independence, parents are tasked with setting limits, creating structure, and defining their role as an authority figure. Questions about boundaries, power, and control often come to the forefront, as parents work to balance safety and autonomy.

4. Interpretive Stage (Middle Childhood)
During the school age years, parents increasingly help children make sense of the world. This includes interpreting experiences, teaching values, and explaining social, academic, and moral expectations. Parents often feel pressure during this stage to “get it right.”

5. Interdependent Stage (Adolescence)
The task shifts toward renegotiating the relationship. Parents and teens move toward shared decision making, with greater autonomy for the adolescent and less direct control for the parent. Maintaining connection while tolerating disagreement becomes central.

6. Departure Stage (Early Adulthood and Beyond)
As children leave home or move into adult roles, parents reflect on their parenting journey and redefine their role. This stage often includes a mix of pride, grief, relief, and self evaluation. In a 2023 podcast, Galinsky noted that she could have extended this stage further, especially given how many young adults now live with or return to their parents’ homes.

One of Galinsky’s central points in sharing these stages is how much we carry “images” and expectations with us as we move through parenthood. Expectations can be helpful and shape the decisions we make, but they can also set us up for disappointment when reality turns out to be different from what we imagined. For example, during pregnancy, a major time of image-making, a parent might resolve never to yell, especially if they grew up in a household where yelling often occurred. Fast forward a few years, and that same parent finds themselves doing the very thing they promised they would never do. Rather than seeing it as a failure, this moment can be an opportunity for reflection, skill building, and growth.

As a therapist, I work with clients who have experienced childhood trauma and many of these clients seem “stuck” in certain developmental stages because of what they endured. They may need support not only in processing trauma, but in building skills they never had the chance to develop. I find it useful to think about parenting in a similar way. Parents can also get stuck in stages. A common example is staying in the authority stage too long, continuing to rely heavily on setting limits when a child is ready for more collaboration and meaning making. And children do not move cleanly from one stage to the next. Development happens in fits and spurts. As parents, we need to stay nimble, avoiding the urge to rush ahead before we are ready, or to hold on too tightly to strategies that no longer fit.

For parents of multiple children, this complexity is often magnified. We may be spanning several stages at once, nurturing one child while negotiating interdependence with another. Returning to a stage we have already lived through can bring confidence, but it can also bring grief or regret. We may notice ways we could have been more flexible with an older child now that we know more. Children notice these differences too. Confusion, jealousy, and pushback can emerge when siblings experience us parenting differently based on their developmental needs.

Ultimately, I found Galinsky’s work helpful and validating. It frames parenting as a process of ongoing growth rather than a static role we either perform well or poorly. When we understand parenting as a developmental journey, it can soften the shame that so often accompanies mistakes. We are works in progress and we are always learning more. As our children grow and change, we are asked to grow and change with them. In many ways, we are growing up again too.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

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Awe is a particular focus of Keltner’s work and is explored in depth in his book Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life. He is a professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, and has been researching awe for more than two decades. He also served as a scientific consultant for Pixar’s Inside Out (2015), Soul (2020), and Inside Out 2 (2024).

“Life can always be divine in some sense, no matter what we’re doing.” — Dacher Keltner

Experiencing awe has been shown to positively impact health in a number of ways, including slowing heart rate, aiding digestion, lowering anxiety, improving markers of inflammation and pain, increasing oxytocin, and quieting the brain’s default mode network (the network associated with self-referential thinking such as ruminating on myself, my time, or my to-do list). As one example, research has shown that both parents experience increased levels of oxytocin months after the awe‑inducing experience of giving birth to their first child.

Drawing from thousands of narratives of awe collected across cultures, Keltner identified eight core “wonders of life.” These include: moral beauty (witnessing exceptional character or virtue), collective effervescence (the transcendence and unity felt in shared group experiences), nature, music, art and visual design, spirituality and religion, life and death, and epiphany (big ideas or moments of insight).

“It is hard to imagine a single thing you can do that is better for your body and mind than finding awe outdoors.” — Dacher Keltner

As I reflected on my own experiences of awe over the past week, several moments came to mind:

• Going to a concert (collective effervescence + music)

• Reading about the ways neighbors are taking care of each other in Minneapolis (moral beauty)

• Waking up to fresh snow (nature)

• Seeing a client’s understanding of themself shift (epiphany)

• A friend offering attuned, meaningful encouragement (moral beauty)

• My toddler running up to me and hugging my leg (life and death)

Awe feels especially important in a world where we spend so much time in front of screens and are increasingly disconnected from everyday experiences of wonder. Awe most often arises from lived, embodied moments. From the list above, reading the stories about Minneapolis neighbors was the only experience that happened on my phone. (Actually, the encouragement from my friend also came to me via a voice note, but I find that to be different; hearing a voice carried more emotional weight than even a thoughtful text.)

Keltner emphasizes that many of these types of awe are so accessible and can be found in our day-to-day. I was able to list off examples without much trouble, yet I still feel a longing for more awe in my life. I know there is room to incorporate more of these experiences. I also wonder if there is opportunity to enjoy what’s already in front of me more, to better and more intentionally name these experiences when they’re happening… and to linger a bit longer.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

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Since that time, I’ve worked with teens and adults, individually and in groups. I made it through the pandemic, which seemed like a never ending crisis of mental health, though I will always be grateful for the rise of virtual therapy. I did trainings in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) before pivoting to pursue a trauma speciality and I’m now close to becoming EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing)-certified. My goal this year is to complete my perinatal mental health certification (PMH-C).

The field continues to shift and looks much different than it did a decade ago. The expense of therapy and the difficulties of working with insurance continue to be major issues. The political landscape and economic uncertainty keep many from reaching out. People are turning to AI and TikTok for support. It often feels discouraging wanting to reach those who need help and feeling like traditional therapy isn’t the best way.

Still, there is much brokenness out there, and I want to keep using my skills to do what I can. Hurt people continue to hurt people and on the flip side, those who heal and grow have a ripple effect impact on everyone in their sphere. My group practice’s motto is “well people, well world.” As I continue to work through the best way to make an impact in these times, I’m committed to showing up for hopefully many more years to come and helping my clients break generational cycles, heal their trauma, and cope with uncertainty in ways that bring about greater wholeness for themselves, their families, and beyond.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

As a therapist, this is the time of year many new clients reach out for counseling. Whether it be the wear and tear of family time around the holidays, a new year’s resolution, or the seasonal impacts on mental health, this is a time we often stretch our schedules and do our best to accommodate the greater influx of outreach.

For these reasons, I often find myself forming a survival strategy to best make it through. Putting in proactive work for strong mental health is always important, but especially in times when you know you might be more vulnerable and need a bolstered foundation to get through well.

Here are a few things I’m trying to do as I can, some new, some old favorites. Feel free to take what seems helpful and leave what doesn’t suit you.

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1. Go outside at the beginning of the day, even if just for a few minutes. Maybe you’re not a cold plunge person or you don’t want to stick your face in an ice bath. Understandable. A blast of cold air outside can increase alertness in the morning, and taking in early daylight can help regulate your circadian rhythms, making it easier to feel sleepy at night. I like to step outside with a cup of coffee, close my eyes for a moment, and tilt my face towards the sun (or the general area where the sun is hiding).

2. Reevaluate your beverages and consider limiting alcohol. Drink more water and tea. Maybe more hot chocolate, a lovely winter treat! Alcohol is a nervous system depressant that disrupts sleep and emotional regulation, even in moderate amounts, and this is the perfect time to cut back. More and more people do “dry January” each year. Standard grocery stores are stocked with mocktails and alcohol-free options. Notice the difference in your body. Many people find that reducing alcohol improves sleep, increases energy and mental clarity, and makes it easier to use other coping skills. What we consume has a real impact on how we feel emotionally and mentally.

3. Stay connected. Winter can be more isolating. There are wonderful things about stepping back and having the opportunity to grow our internal world. However, we are social creatures and we desperately need to fight for connection in a world that is becoming more and more disconnected when it comes to deeper friendships. Make sure you are making plans to see others. If you’re in a more vulnerable season such as postpartum, staying connected is even more important. If you’re someone who grows weary of keeping in touch via text, another option is to send voice memos. I really enjoy hearing friends’ voices and I’ve found that this format invites more depth as the speaker really has the floor to share whatever is on their mind — and there often fun signs of their life showing up along the way (e.g. babies or kids making noise in the background, distractions that come up while multitasking, etc). This is great for busy parents or long distance friends trying to stay connected. Obviously, nothing beats being in person together too and having that embodied experience together.

4. Move your body. We tend to become more sedentary in the winter as going outdoors in cold climates becomes less appealing. Find what works for you here. Is it bundling up and going outside anyway? Joining a gym or an exercise class studio? At-home cardio or yoga? It doesn’t have to be fancy and every little bit makes a difference. Besides picking up a regular running and (hopefully) strength routine again, I want to incorporate more stretching breaks in between clients at work. Peloton has an old, but still great “standing yoga” series, which has been perfect for quick breaks. When you move your body, you support the release of mood-boosting chemicals, create a sense of accomplishment, and give yourself an opportunity to release tension and emotions you may be holding. Movement is a critical piece of feeling more connected to yourself and more regulated.

5. Embrace citrus. Full disclosure, I borrowed this tip from someone who popped up on my social media feed. Citrus is in season, and its bright scent and flavor can be a simple way to engage our senses. I’m waiting for a winter citrus candle to arrive in the mail as I write this. Enjoy fresh orange juice. Broil a grapefruit and sprinkle a little brown sugar on top. This advice may sound trite, but sensory experiences can be powerful tools for bringing us back into the present moment and back into our bodies. I also love the idea of making the most of something that’s unique to this season, especially when so much of winter can feel dull or heavy.

   

6. Build in rest after holidays and hosting. The ship has probably sailed by now for post-holiday rest, and I know I personally am tagging this more for next year, but if there are opportunities to apply this principle in the coming months (family coming in town? throwing a kid’s birthday party?), take the opportunity. We often expect ourselves to jump right back in to work and life after hosting and doing all of the labor that the holidays require. I’m seeing more and more people take the week off from work after winter break. What an amazing idea. Your kids are back in school and you can catch up on your own doctor’s appointments, home reset tasks, and what personally feels restorative for you. Let’s practice putting our own oxygen masks back on after we give and give. We are humans, not robots, after all and we need to take breaks.

7. Chase the sun. If you find it, bathe in it for a bit. Watch the forecast and take advantage of any sunny days that come up. If you’re driving and the sun emerges for a moment, take a deep breath and soak it in. At least where I live, the sun may not be shining brightly a lot this time of year, but when it is, I’m going to see it as a gift and take it in. If you’re like my sister and live somewhere like beautiful San Diego, this obviously doesn’t apply to you (and maybe you don’t need a winter survival list in general!).

8. Work on your relationship with your phone, especially at night. There’s so much out there about phone health right now. You can buy a Brick, you can put your phone in another room, you can limit your time, you can throw your phone in the snow. For me, I have ambitious goals about limiting my phone use, but what’s working for me right now is deleting the apps I mindlessly scroll for significant periods of time. It’s also helping me to set a deadline time at night when I commit to stop looking at my phone in general.

9. Read at night. If you don’t scroll on your phone before bed, what can you do instead? Reading a physical book or a Kindle (with low, warm light) is a great substitute. Lately, I’ve been listening to audiobooks. Reading is one way to slow down the brain’s reward and stimulation systems before sleep and take in a longer, more immersive story instead of endless soundbites and videos coming at us like candy grenades.

10. Journal. On a similar note, I was big into journaling when I was younger, and I miss it. I find it harder now that I’m used to faster-paced, more immediately rewarding activities. This winter, I’m hoping to take advantage of the opportunity to slow down, get cozy, and reflect in this quieter, though sometimes higher effort way. Practices like journaling can help rebuild our tolerance for sustained attention and make space for deeper processing.

11. Make fun plans that you enjoy anticipating. Having something on the calendar to look forward to, whether it be a trip or a night out with friends, can be huge for boosting mood. As the winter days drag on, try to be intentional about setting up plans that you’ll enjoy thinking about in advance and that you’ll obviously enjoy when the times comes as well.

What resonates with you on this list? What else could be added? Wishing us all the best as we find and bring about the sparks of hope and joy in this often-bleaker season.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

It’s no small thing that life keeps on rolling while we’re getting up every day to work, parent, and show up for friends and spouses, all while growing a human, miscarrying a pregnancy, or carrying a newborn. Our bodies and hearts are doing something enormous while the world expects us to keep moving as usual.

This feels especially remarkable around the holidays, when there are even more demands. The holidays can already feel like an extracurricular activity. There are presents to buy, cards to send, cookies to bake, and homes to prepare for guests. Maybe there’s work to juggle and decisions about how to keep things moving while kids are home from school. Maybe all of this is happening while you’re waiting anxiously for the right moment to take a pregnancy test, wondering if everything is about to change for your family. Maybe you’re doing all the regular life and holiday things while also in the midst of IVF. Alongside the busyness, there’s often the hope of a new year and the longing that comes with it.

Many times, unless we know someone very well, the struggles of the perinatal phase remain silent. A person may keep showing up at work and getting their kids to activities. Or they may be holding a sweet newborn, while no one can see that they’re still bleeding and their hormones are wildly shifting. As I’ve moved through different phases of my own perinatal journey, both the good and the hard, I remember marveling that I could be going to the grocery store, driving in the car, or sitting at work while quietly carrying the weight of these burdens. My body was actively doing so much, and no one could tell.

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It’s a lot to carry, to be a human doing all that it takes to bring a new human into the world. It’s vulnerable and physical, and life doesn’t pause while it’s happening. You might be carrying the hope and fear of beginning this journey for the first time. You might be carrying a life so early that every day feels uncertain. You might be carrying the weight of an empty womb and the grief of lost hopes and dreams. You might be carrying the fog of anesthesia after a D&C. You might be carrying the literal weight and exhaustion of a final trimester. You might be carrying a newborn in your arms, along with the tender emotions and the toll that postpartum adjustment, breastfeeding, and sleepless nights can bring.

It is so much. If any of this resonates with you, I hope you feel seen in this season. You’re doing more than others can perceive. We’re conditioned to show up, to be steady for others, and to look okay even when we are not.

If you have it in you, and if you have the right people around you, I want to gently encourage you to bring these often silent burdens a little more to the surface. Can you let someone carry a bit of this weight with you, even if it’s simply by sharing and receiving encouragement in return? Can you invite one or two people into your humanity and let them glimpse what you’re holding?

It’s especially meaningful when we find someone who’s been there too. But the greatest gift is truly someone who’s simply willing to listen and carry a portion of it with us. This journey can feel isolating and heavy, but we were never meant to carry it alone.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

And just like that, everything that was taking up your mental space a few minutes ago is now whirring and reshuffling.

If you’re a parent reading this, what’s happening inside of you right now? I know it feels familiar. The concern for your child, yes, but also the implications for what sudden sickness can mean for work and life the next day.

Why Sickness Feels So Triggering

What is it about sickness that is so triggering? It can bring up the reality of a lack of support. When kids are sick, unless you have a nanny who is willing to come anyway or a very flexible family member who is available last minute, you’re usually having to figure out your workday without childcare. Maybe this works fine with some jobs, but many of us have meetings and commitments that require going into the office or having uninterrupted client-facing time. If you work and have a working spouse, conversations can easily devolve into a “whose work is more important today” discussion. For single working parents, the lack of support can feel even more stark. Whatever the arrangement, the day often ends up feeling like you’re being pulled in too many directions and not accomplishing your work responsibilities or your caretaker role particularly well.

Another layer is navigating the uncertainty that sickness brings. Will my child be okay? Do we need to go to the doctor? How long will this go on, and will I be able to figure out multiple days of the sickness and work juggle?

There can also be fear about getting sick yourself. Life as a working parent is already filled to the brim, and coming down sick can feel debilitating. More questions arise: can I do what I need to do at work, in my family, and in my other spheres of life?

The Lingering Impact of the Pandemic

For many of us, the trauma of going through the COVID-19 pandemic as parents of young children is all too real. Even now that we’re in a different place, I still find the impacts of that time showing up in unexpected ways. When I send my child to preschool with a fountain of a runny nose, it’s okay to do that now, but it wasn’t always, and my body can still react with shame. When a child near us in gymnastics class is coughing and I shudder, I have to remind myself that we’ll be okay and it’s normal for bugs to go around.

Sometimes I remember moments from that time with awe and disbelief: my husband working on our condo balcony while I tried to entertain our 3-year-old inside, how scary it felt to breathe the same air as others, the fear that one of our kids would come down with Covid and be out of school for two weeks. It feels surreal to write these things now, but it wasn’t that long ago that it was the norm.

When my kids get sick now and I feel a panicked, knee-jerk response, I try to remind myself that this response makes sense. We went through a lot during that time as parents. And thankfully, things are in a different place now.

What Gets Triggered in You?

As always, it can be useful to explore what of your own stuff might be triggered when your kids get sick. People-pleasing, anxiety, feeling out of control. If these are common struggles for you anyway, if they’re present in your story, of course the suddenness of kid sickness will bring them front and center. What old narratives get stirred up for you when your routine is suddenly interrupted? It’s worth it to take note of these patterns outside of the moment so that you can call them out to yourself when the next round of sickness arrives.

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So, What Can We Do?

We can’t magically get more support or cure sickness overnight, but we can take steps to navigate kid sickness when it shows up at the most inconvenient times.

Remember: This Will Not Last Forever

Even if it doesn’t go well and every single member of the family ends up getting sick one after another, it will end and you will find your rhythm again. On a broader note, these sick days do get better as kids get older. I’m already seeing that in our family. Almost all of my kids can throw up in a bowl on their own now! Sickness will always be around, but kids tend to get sick less often as they grow, and their needs change too.

Practice Radical Acceptance

At certain stages, it can help to practice radical acceptance. Not in a giving up, defeat kind of way, but as an active choice to accept. This is the situation. You are here. It’s not going to be easy, but sometimes accepting the hard can be grounding.

Focus on What You Can Control

What small things can make this a little better? When you’re in the thick of it, make yourself a warm beverage and take a short break if you can. During healthier seasons, make sure you’re well-stocked with medicine, a good thermometer, and all the things you’ll be thankful to have when the time comes.

Reach Out for Support

Connect with others who get it. I have a close friend who is my go-to person for all things sickness. We supported each other through the pandemic and are still there for each other in the weeds when sickness shows up. I can share all of my worries and concerns, and she always listens and empathizes in return.

Go Outside

No matter the weather, we can get so isolated when we’re hibernating in a sick house. It does wonders for our health to get fresh air, sunshine, and a bit of nature. I was out on a run recently and happened upon a friend jogging with her recovering child in a stroller. How great for both of them: she could be active in the middle of navigating sickness, and her child had a chance to be outdoors even though she didn’t have much energy.

Avoid Online Diagnosing

Don’t use Google, ChatGPT, or any internet resource to diagnose sickness. You’re adding fuel to the fire if you’re already anxious! Your pediatrician is there to help with your specific concerns. Trust their voice over the endless information online.

Savor the Snuggles

Finally, try to enjoy the snuggles and connection that sick days can offer. You may have screens running and be trying to keep your meetings afloat, but as you’re able, soak up the moments with your little one. It will be meaningful to them and soothing for your nervous system too.

Best of luck to all the parents out there this season, especially those with little kids still acclimating to school germs. And as I sit here writing this, I just received a winter weather alert for our area and am realizing that some of these feelings and challenges apply to snow days too!

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

Guilt vs. Shame

First, let’s define our terms.

Guilt says, “I did something bad.”
Shame says, “I am bad.”

Guilt can be a productive feeling, but sometimes it’s misplaced, like feeling guilty that you got a promotion and your colleague didn’t. However, natural or healthy guilt can spur us to repair and reconcile. It’s healthy to feel bad when we do something that isn’t in accordance with our values and the action urge that goes with guilt can drive us to do our best to make things right.

Shame is a global, negative statement about ourselves. So, not only did I hurt your feelings, but my mistake proves that I am worthless as a person. Shame makes us want to hide, avoid, and move away from others. It’s insidious and it’s not a productive place to be in. We can’t learn when we’re in shame.

Detecting Shame in Kids

According to Dr. Becky Kennedy at Good Inside, being able to spot shame in our children is a parenting superpower. Shame makes situations more combustible; it adds fuel to the fire.

Shame can also show up in unexpected ways:

• Refusing to apologize

• Rejecting help

• Avoiding eye contact or shutting down

• Acting indifferent or defiant

• Lying

When we see these behaviors, it’s easy to automatically label them as “difficult.” But often, the child is swimming in shame. Once we are able to detect that shame is present, we can move towards our child in an attempt to reduce it before proceeding with any teaching moments.

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Why It Matters to Root Out Shame

1. Shame blocks connection and learning.
When someone is flooded with shame, the rational part of their brain goes offline. They literally can’t absorb what we’re trying to say.

2. Shame leaves a mark.
Children are wired to preserve their attachment with parents. When a parent criticizes, lashes out, or misreads a situation—and doesn’t take responsibility—kids are left having to make sense of things. They often land on one of two conclusions:

• “I’m bad.”

• “I can’t trust how I feel.”

Those beliefs can become deeply ingrained and show up later in life. I see many adults in my practice now who are working through these core beliefs from their childhoods.

Repair as an Antidote to Shame

If you’re starting to feel the familiar tug of shame reading this, pause and catch it. The goal isn’t to dwell on what’s gone wrong, but to notice the power we have to repair.

Repair is a way to steal the shame and keep it from festering. When we repair with someone and acknowledge what’s ours, we have an opportunity to help kids and others make meaning of the interaction in a different way.

A simple example:

“I’m sorry I yelled. I was stressed, and that was about me, not you. You didn’t deserve that.”

When we name our part, we lift the weight of shame off the other person’s shoulders and model what accountability looks like. Whether with our kids, our partners, or ourselves, repair is how we can keep shame from taking root.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

“The best predictor of a child’s security of attachment is not what happened to his parents as children, but rather how his parents made sense of those childhood experiences.”

This is great news because it means that we’re not doomed to reenact and be trapped by the hard things or difficult formative relationships we’ve experienced in our lives. Instead, we’re able to take a different path if we do the work of exploring the impact of our past.

Dr. Dan Siegel talks about a concept called “shark music,” which he defines as the background noise caused by our past experiences and future fears. This background noise is our history and how our caregivers engaged with us, which then impacts how we relate to our kids – and others, such as a romantic partner and ourselves. The “shark music” comes into play for us in places where our caregivers were unable to meet our needs.

Watch this video to learn more about “shark music” and what those past-present connections can look like:

Some Initial Reflection Questions to Consider:

1. How did your parents react when big emotions were expressed in your home growing up?

2. Were your parents able to help soothe and regulate you when you were upset?

3. Were you parents in tune with your emotional world, or were they more focused on behavior?

4. What typical parenting or relational interactions particularly activate you now? Follow your triggers and your bigger emotional responses to learn more. As I mentioned in an earlier post, “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

The point of examining our pasts is not to blame our caregivers. It’s to better understand our patterns so we can show up in the ways we want, in greater alignment with our values, as parents and as humans.

It’s a common experience to get triggered and activated. Everyday parenting experiences such as whining, crying, talking back, and sibling aggression can bring up so much. When you notice the familiar reactive body sensations that come up in moments like these, can you be non-judgmental towards yourself? In the same way our best self wants to attune to a child who is having a difficult time, we can also learn to attend to our own needs.

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Here are a few ways we can care for ourselves when we’re triggered.

• STOP. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) has a great coping skill with the acronym “STOP” that is all about taking a break and helping our prefrontal cortex come back online. Here’s the acronym broken down.

  • Stop: First, stop what you’re doing and saying.

  • Take a Step Back: Physically step back or go somewhere else. You can also visualize yourself doing this if you simply can’t leave the moment.

  • Observe: Take the time to observe the situation now that you have some space, but also observe yourself and what thoughts, emotions, and body sensations are coming up for you.

  • Proceed Mindfully: After you’ve calmed down and gathered all internal and external data, you can move forward with your best next step.

• Think about words that you needed to hear as a child and actually say those words out loud to yourself. This comes from psychologist and “millennial parent whisperer” Dr. Becky Kennedy at Good Inside. Here are some of her examples:

  • “You’re not too much.”

  • “It’s okay to feel things differently.”

  • “I love you.”

  • “I’m not going anywhere.”

  • “I’m right here with you.”

• Do your own work in therapy. The ways we respond to triggers are often deeply encoded in neural pathways formed from a young age and solidified over time. We know from amazing research on neuroplasticity in the brain that it is never too late—and entirely possible—to rewire those pathways. However, it takes more than wonderful cognitive insights. Body-based therapies such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) can be incredibly impactful in helping to heal our triggered wounded places and catch them up with the truths we know as adults.

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.

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Hello!

However you found your way here, welcome! Writing these words takes me back to 2011–2016, when I ran a small personal blog about cooking and restaurants in the D.C. area. Toward the end of that time, my writing started drifting toward mental health, since I was finishing up my master’s in counseling. It feels full-circle to return to writing now, years later, as a trauma-informed licensed therapist.

In some ways, I’m returning with more confidence after nearly a decade in the field. In other ways, I’m feeling many of the familiar imposter syndrome feelings that I had when I was a new graduate. Lately, though, I keep hearing the same message everywhere: if we wait until we feel fully ready, we’ll be waiting forever. So here we go.

1. Why am I launching this space?

The therapy landscape is changing. Even though the current climate of uncertainty and unrest means that more people could likely benefit from therapy, fewer are reaching out for traditional counseling due to job loss, the economy, big tech mental health companies crowding the space, and the ease of tools like ChatGPT. I’m passionate about the trauma-informed work I do in private practice, but I want to meet people where they’re at (on their devices!) and add my professional voice to all of the content that’s out there. To be clear, reading this Substack is not a substitute for meeting with a therapist and the attuned, sacred care that happens in that space. However, I hope I’m doing my part in making expert info more accessible here.

2. Who am I?

I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in Virginia and Washington, D.C., and a Virginia Board-approved Supervisor. My approach to therapy is trauma-informed and rooted in attachment theory, integrating evidence-based practices like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I’m especially passionate about working with parents who are exploring their own stories—seeking healing, emotional clarity, and positive change in their personal and family lives. Over the years, my clinical work has included leading teen support groups, creative DBT skills groups, and parent workshops, as well as supervising emerging therapists in ethical, emotionally attuned practice.

I live in Northern VA with my husband and three daughters. I enjoy running, writing, reading, cooking, watching Survivor, and eating leisurely meals with loved ones.

3. What does it mean to grow up again?

Growing up again is the process of continuing to grow and transform as adults by tracing our current triggers and stuck points back to earlier experiences, and finding the opportunities for healing waiting there for us. It’s about revisiting and caring for the younger parts of ourselves that are still living within, shaping how we react, relate, and show up in the world. This work is often called “reparenting.”

As a parent, I’ve noticed that raising kids always invites us into personal growth and healing. Our children’s behavior can stir up our old wounds and patterns in surprising ways. For example, a mom who feels rage when her child throws a tantrum might find that those outbursts trigger something deep inside—perhaps memories of how tantrums were never tolerated when she was little. Her body remembers that, and now she has a chance to grow in creating new neural pathways and respond differently.

Of course, this kind of growth isn’t only for parents. Each of us is invited to explore what could be there whenever we feel stuck, reactive, or overwhelmed. I once heard it said that “what’s hysterical is historical.” Our strongest emotional reactions are often based in earlier experiences that are still asking for our attention.

In summary, our triggers are invitations. They point us to the places that are ready for healing. And if you’re a parent, you already know that parenting offers many opportunities to grow up again.

I hope you’ll join me as we explore what it means to grow up again, together.

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4. What you can expect here

Though I’m regularly walking with clients in these spaces, I won’t share any specifics from my sessions. Instead, this Substack will draw from general themes I see often in my work, topics I regularly provide psychoeducation on, content I’m consuming, trainings I’m attending, and discussions with colleagues and friends. Some example topics I’d like to explore here include learning through embodiment, dispelling shame in parenting, common misconceptions about trauma work, exploring the connection between our past and our present, using bilateral stimulation as a tool, and more. I’m also working on my perinatal mental health certification (PMH-C) and look forward to sharing my expertise and all that I’m learning in that area as well. Thank you for being here with me. More to come soon!

If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about therapy (for those located in VA or DC) here: www.jacquelineandersonlpc.com.